The Wizard of the Frontier
by labyrinthofsuffering
Summary: A cracktastic explanation for the Shat-fail known as The Final Frontier.


_Warning: this is complete crack. Disclaimer: I don't own this story or the characters. This was inspired by _lamamama_ on deviantart. Enjoy the ensuing fun..._

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Kirk gazed at the docked ship, that wasn't to be deployed for another three months. It was going to be his ship. He imagined having something to make up for the loss of his Enterprise. He was overjoyed that he was getting a second chance, it even had it had the same namesake. She was essentially one and the same… as long as he got past the dreaded "A". Kirk resumed his pacing, simply grateful that he had the observation decks of the research quadrant that he and his crew had been stranded on until the finals tests were done on the NCC 1701 – A.

He could see it now, like the old days. His eyes scanned the horizon.

"Somewhere," he started in a soft poetic tone, "Over the rain-bow!"

He let the lyrics of the poem slide out, placing his very soul into the air. The words were released with more emotion than one would think someone could project while recited words.

"Way up HIGH. Why, oh, whyyyyyy, can't I?" each syllable was clearly enunciated.

Though, Jim was very happy that no one could hear: he couldn't imagine what Starfleet would say if word got out. If he had a good voice, like Spock, that would be one thing. "EEEE!" the thought struck him after the song had concluded. What if word got out to the Klingons? That got him to stop singing… well, speaking? However, his thoughts of the Enterprise and his unknown future stayed with him.

He couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen. His life seemed to be following a straight pathway, until now. There was a choice for him to make, and he didn't know what to do. He decided to head back to the quarters he was staying in for the duration of time, before they finished with the ship. He stepped onto the turbolift and commanded it to take him to deck five. One of his best friends, Bones, was getting onto the turbolift when the doors slid open.

"Bones!" Kirk exclaimed, "What are you doing?"

"Well I was trying to find somebody to ask them about dinner, and that same somebody was holding up the damn elevator. So, I was waiting for the turbolift," Leonard McCoy complained.

Kirk ignored McCoy's antics, "Dinner sounds good. Where's Spock?"

Bones notably rolled his eyes at the mention of the Vulcan's name, "In his quarters."

"We'll get him after I shower. Comm him to give him time to get ready," Kirk ordered.

Bones nodded, because you simply don't say "no" to James T. Kirk. So they both stepped into Kirk's apartment, after Kirk said he could check over some medical work for him. Kirk reached into his drawer to grab another one of his uniforms. An old shirt from Yosemite that one of his old girlfriends had given him caught his eye.

"Hey Bones," Bones wandered in and sat at his desk, "How about we go camping in Yosemite next shore leave? You, me, and Spock could go rock climbing, have a campfire, all the things we did as boys."

"Jim, you know there's no way of that happening. Plus, you were really the only one who did those things. I was more of an indoor person, and Spock sure as hell didn't sleep in the wilderness. You've seen those beasts and the weather on Vulcan," McCoy reasoned.

"Exactly!" Kirk exclaimed, "We can sleep by the campfire, and, and sing campfire songs, and roast marshmallows!"

McCoy burst out laughing, "Spock _singing campfire songs_. Jim that is the funniest thing I have ever heard you say. Picture him singing _Row Row Row Your Boat_. Even better, imagine him roasting marshmallows!"

"Well, that is a bit off," Kirk complied.

But McCoy wasn't ready to stop. He was howling with laughter, "Oh, I've got it. I could change the ships memory to say that marshmallows are marshmelons, and he would say it. We could holovid it."

Kirk sighed, his fantasy's were crushed by now, so he slipped away to take his sonic shower, but he wasn't ready to let it go.

"Spock loves to sing!" he called out.

"And Spock has an emotional Vulcan brother. In a pigs eye, Spock loves to sing," Bones shot back.

Kirk gave up his tirade, but their conversation was imprinted into his mind. Though, he didn't think of the future all throughout dinner at the deep space station's dinner. Dealing with both Bones and Spock at the same time was enough to occupy his mind.

The next day, Kirk was called to the Enterprise, for acquaintance with the engineering updates. Spock, Bones, and the rest of his senior officers were going to meet him on the ship the next day, while Scotty was already on the ship helping with the repairs. He could practically hear the old Scotsman in his head, "While they're enjoying shore leave, I'm stuck fixing up this old clunker."

Kirk wondered where Uhura was and then remembered that she was also staying on the new Enterprise for the repairs. It had been Scotty and Uhura together for a few weeks now, removed from society. Kirk almost laughed, imaging what they could be doing together. What romantic endeavors could they get into? His thoughts didn't broach this subject too long. It was really stupid. Scotty was like Uhura's psycho grandfather, and Uhura was on the ship to avoid someone on the space station. Kirk recalled her mentioning some guy that used to follow her around that she would really rather not have a run in with.

The Galileo's communications system beeped twice, before Kirk heard Lieutenant Ferrem of the Space Station, "Kirk, the ion storm that was thought benign, has spontaneously grown much more dangerous. We need you to…"

The transmission was abruptly cut off.

"Lieutenant," he attempted to use the shuttle's communicator again, but it still wasn't working. He desperately ran to the back of the shuttle as the readings showed the storm still worsening. Coming back to his seat, a jolt from the storm caused Kirk to fly forward… right into the controls. His head slammed into the edge of desk-like surface. Pain shot through his skull, and he instantly wondered where Bones was to help him. He slowly slumped to the ground, whatever the ground was. Things were beginning to get a little fuzzy. Images swirled through his mind. Camping, singing, Klingons, Spock, Spock's emotion half brother that something kept telling him didn't exist, Scotty and Uhura practically making out (gross), and God for some reason.

*The happenings of the piece of utter bullshit known as _The Final Frontier_ ensue.*

Kirk slowly opened his eyes to find Bones standing above him. He recognized the Space Station's sick bay. Spock was standing next to him. Kirk blinked a few times.

Scotty strolled into sickbay, "Lad, I heard the captain was caught in an ion storm, but he looks all right now."

Bones nodded, "Yeah, he had quite the bump; we thought he was going to leave us."

"No, you were there too, and so were there too Spock!" Jim stated excitedly.

"That is illogical Captain, I was right here the whole time," Spock disputed.

"And you had an emotional evil brother named Sybok," Kirk ignored him.

"But that is not canon," Spock continued trying to bring logic into the conversation.

"And we met a fake God and Klingons were there."

"It must have been a bad dream," Bones interjected.

"No it wasn't. It really happened."

Bones laughed.

"Don't you believe me?"

"Of course we do Jim," Bones patted his arm affirmatively.

"No we don't," Vulcans can't lie.

Bones gave Spock a look that made him shut up, because it reminded him that it was really Jim that wanted them to believe him.

"Anyways, I'm here, and so are you. Let's go to the Enterprise."

Spock and Bones agreed (for once) and hoped that this little incident would never be remembered, because really, it was just _insane_.

Though of course, people did remember it. So now, we just facepalm and groan, whenever it is mentioned.

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I think that's a solid explanation, wouldn't you all agree? Review with your answer to that. I hope you all enjoyed that. Someday i'll reread it and fix the grammatical mistakes that I know are there.


End file.
